Did it begin when the neighbor boy showed me his penis? We were in 2nd grade, and in his yard. I clearly remember his brother saying that Lewis had a pointed penis. I was amazed that anyone would talk about privates so openly. Lewis pulled his pants down, and I witnessed it. His penis was the same size as mine, but whereas I had a rounded head, he had a pointed head. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Even to this day, over fifty years later, I see it vividly.
I began to wonder if there were other shapes that boys had. I didn't see another penis until 7th grade, when I did my best to look, but not look as though I were looking, at the boys in the locker room. The other penises seemed just like mine.
In 8th grade, I began to wonder what the penis of one particular boy looked like. At the same time, I began to feel the desire to put my penis inside him. In my fantasies, he would lie down. I would pull his pants down to reveal that he had no penis. Instead, he had a vagina. I would push my erection into him and he would smile while I moved in and out until I came. The fantasy would end there.
I had changed schools between 7th and 8th grade, and I had no friends. That held true through 9th grade as well when I changed schools again. This time, an Air Force ROTC student caught my eye. He was blond, and rode the same bus I did. He never spoke to me, and I never spoke to anyone except lab partners in science class and book partners in English class. I used to lie in my bed, wishing the bullies would die. I didn't understand why God would let people like that exist. After reading more of the bible, I realized my bullies were on the first rung of evil.
It was about this time that I realized how alone I was in the world. I switched schools again and made friends with a girl who seemed to like me. She was fun and interesting to talk to. The only thing that was different between us is that I wanted to have children and she didn't.
I hoped to change her mind. We attended that same college, and during freshman year, she made it clear that she wanted no children and that she didn't want me either.
During college, I worked a 36 hour work week and took 18 hours of class. I'm not sure how I did it, but I survived with a 3.3 gpa and decent car. I also made it through four years of college without a single friend. I tried to make friends with lab partners, but no one was interested in spending what free time I had with me.
During my post graduate studies, I discovered that I was attracted to an undergraduate man who was on my floor. He was about five-six; wore thick glasses; had a hairy chest, and filled my thoughts while I masturbated in the shower. I still had dreams of marriage and children, but I know that I would have let him fuck me if he had asked, and I would have gladly fucked him. He had a girlfriend who was always angry with him because he liked fishing. I never even knew his name.
I began working, and I had my own place. No friends at work; the owner did not want me socializing with the people who worked beneath me. I had one job, and he didn't want me helping others with their jobs. My only reprieve was a blond man who came home from work about ten minutes after me. I watched him from my window and thought of different ways to meet him that wouldn't seem contrived. I needed more than one so that I could be flexible. Then a woman moved in with him.
I worked in that office for seven years. I didn't go out for a date one time; I never met anyone I was interested in, and obviously, no one was interested enough in me to ask me out. Each morning that I woke up, I was sad that I hadn't died in the middle of the night. The loneliness was overwhelming.